Drowning Sorrows
by DowntonIsMyLife
Summary: When Mrs Hughes recieves bad news it's down to Mr Carson to comfort her but when he's torn between his feelings and the strict rules they follow, is it all just too much for him to bear.
1. Chapter 1

**I know I have other things to update but this idea came to me and I felt like I needed to write some Chelsie.**

May 1912

It wasn't unlike any normal morning; a month had passed since they heard the news and chaos began. But as servants they had to carry on, no time to stop and mourn over the people they served – they had to carry on. It was only Daisy who kept referring back to it, something about people freezing to death in icy waters frightened her, they suspected she'd never really experienced death before and the shock confused her.

But it was this breakfast as they sat eating as usual, nothing fancy as they served upstairs, just porridge and a cup of tea, it was bland but they didn't need fancy food to feel at home and happy with where they were; especially not Carson and Mrs Hughes. They sat at the head of the table, the Lord and Lady of the servants hall, the highest possible positions, perfectly content with their lives, regrets may live in the back of their minds but they weren't often dwelling on them.

She sat to his right, enough to make him the figure head of the house but close enough for her to hold a position of respect, secretly though, she looked out for him – he'd look after the house while she'd look after him. They had a good working relationship and a rewarding friendship, in their time as heads of staff they had seen many of their staff leave to marry, even some to marry other members of staff. They knew it was wrong to have relationships below stairs but as long as it didn't affect the running of the house and nothing too scandalous transpired, they were happy to live in ignorance. Maybe it was because they'd otherwise feel hypocritical, they weren't in a relationship, nor were they aware the other had any feelings other than friendship towards them.

William had entered, a stack of letters in his hand, as usual, nothing changed. He passed one to Mr Carson and he placed it beside her bowl, she put her cup down to examine the handwriting; not her sisters, not anyone she recognised and it looked horribly like a telegram rather than a letter. She opened it and lifted her cup again as she scanned the paper – there were few words, but they were enough.  
She felt a constricting feeling in her chest and the lump in her throat made her unable to drink from the cup, she lowered it to the table but as her hand shook the china rattled against the saucer. The whole servant's hall became silent, the rare behaviour from the housekeeper was watched carefully by everyone – she wasn't the only one who'd recognised it to be a telegram. Anna and Sarah shared a worried look, Sarah wasn't known for her sense of compassion but she had respect for her elder and the colour draining from her face and the way her hands trembled worried her. Bates glanced at Mr Carson who never took his eyes off her, he squinted at the letter making out enough words to understand.

"Mrs Hughes?" his voice was barely over a whisper and so gentle, he wanted to reach out and hold her hand but not in front of the staff, her guard was slowly slipping but he couldn't let his.

She looked up, out of the corner of her eye she could see the staff watching her but she couldn't bear to face them.

"I…would you excuse me" she got up, the only sound being the noise of her chair on the stone floor, the silence remained, things out of the ordinary were so unexpected in the servants hall. Carson and Bates stood up as she left, though she moved so quickly, they barely had time to get out of their seats. This time he looked at the valet, the look of concern still present on both their faces, he may have only been there a month or so but he'd fitted in immediately, especially with the senior staff. He looked after her, she was never one to run, it was undignified but this was the fastest he'd ever seen her move. Telegram in one hand, her other placed over her mouth – his heart broke in two, he'd never seen her this upset, he'd never even seen her cry. She had barriers built around her that were strong, she never let much emotion come through, she let a little more show when she was with him but even then there was a wall between them, unspoken rules and boundaries that parted them. Now he had to replace his anxious expression with his Butler mask of rigid instruction and propriety.

"Alright everyone…carry on with your breakfast" he sat back down, his butler voice returning, though in his mind he was so worried about her – he was glad he knew what was wrong, he could go and see her and help without waiting for her to tell him.  
He didn't want to finish his breakfast, his stomach was rejecting any more food, all he wanted was to go and speak with her, but he had to organise the servants to start the day, he doubted she would want to start ordering maids. He was torn between being a friend and the Butler.

The bells rang and he felt his heart sink, he couldn't leave her alone but he needed to get on with the day – it was one thing for one of them to be absent but not both.  
The staff got up, Mrs Hughes's behaviour forgotten and their work began.

"Mr Carson?" He turned to see Anna next to him, "do you think I should check on Mrs Hughes?" He should say yes, it'd be much more appropriate for Anna to go and see her, but she wouldn't open up to her, he had to be the one to see her.

"No Anna, she probably wants to be alone at the moment. I'll check on her in a minute." He knew he contradicted himself but Anna got the message and wen to fetch a tea tray. He glanced towards her door, he needed to go to her, he didn't want to leave her alone thinking of what state she might be in – for someone who constantly kept her feelings to herself, something like this was bound to hurt more than expected.

He hurried to her sitting room not unlike the way she had, he wanted to be her friend now, not her colleague but her friend, the one to comfort her – no one else would be able to so he knew he'd be the one she'd allow to help her.  
Choosing not to knock her opened the door to see her on the floor with her back to her settee, legs clutched to her chest, attempting to make herself as small as possible – but it wasn't her position that frightened him, it was the waterfall of tears cascading down her face.

**So, what's upsetting her?**

**Ok this was going to be a one shot but I split it in half because I need to do some work and I didn't want to till this was finished so I have to half it or I'll never pass my exams.  
Please tell me what you think :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you; beMMADfabulous, mellastar, 18tilldie, vanillapod, lucysmom, kouw and especially themaidsdiares who has convinced me that my exams are pointless and I should write instead :p  
Btw shoutout to watergirl1****35013, you favourite me and my stories but I can't send you a message saying thank you – you really make my day by favouriting these things, I can't tell you how much it means to me. So THANK YOU! ;)  
**

**I didn't like leaving you with a heartbroken Elsie so the next chapter was kinda called for asap.**

Choosing not to knock her opened the door to see her on the floor with her back to her settee, legs clutched to her chest, attempting to make herself as small as possible – but it wasn't her position that frightened him, it was the waterfall of tears cascading down her face.

He stood frozen, staring at this woman, or girl as she now seemed – so young and vulnerable crying uncontrollably on the floor. This kind of behaviour he might expect from Daisy at the most but not Mrs Hughes; she was so strong, able to hold all the pressure and work on her shoulders but now, everything'd just crumbled. He could never bear to see women cry, but especially not her, how could he comfort her when she was in this state? He usually got away with a hand on her shoulder and a more gentle voice but now she needed to be held – and that was not the kind of thing the butler should do.

She didn't seem to have noticed his presence in the doorway, she just kept crying, the tears kept falling with no foreseeable end. Knowing the door was still open behind him he closed it quietly, the last thing she'd need would be any other servants to see her like this.  
Her body shaking violently, her head resting on her knees and her nails puncturing holes through the telegram – this wasn't her, this wasn't the Elsie Hughes he knew. 'That name' he thought, had he ever even used it when he wasn't saying her entire name? Had they ever got past the formality and addressed each other by their given names, even when discussing personal matters or comforting each other they still used Mr and Mrs. The words stung in his mind, of course they'd never used their first names, it simply wasn't proper.

However, to him, Mrs Hughes signified a strong willed woman, the housekeeper of a great house, who held so much responsibility and yet handled it with ease. She was a surrogate mother to about 20 young maids a footman but she was stern and had a no nonsense nature but inside she had their best interests at heart.  
But this wasn't Mrs Hughes, this was Elsie, the woman who clearly felt alone in her mind, no one to help her when she was upset, she could only ever comfort other people. Elsie was a lost woman in a forest of sadness that she had to keep bottled up for her own sake. The little things she would share with him, but clearly she held back a lot more, she'd need to be Elsie for him to help her and to him she wasn't, it just wasn't appropriate for her to be Elsie around him – just Mrs Hughes.

The sinking of the titanic had thrown everyone – this ship that was supposed to be unsinkable hadn't lived up to its name and taken far too many lives in the process, he thought the servants had got over the travesty well, no point dwelling on it, but now it'd hit too close to home. Charles thought for a moment, the ship was supposed to be this and should have been that but it wasn't – it didn't do what was right and look what happened. A prime example of what happened when things weren't done right, surely that was a sign he had to act as he would usually and not just hold her.

Seeing as he was standing in her sitting room, he knew he'd have to say something, even if it was just words from a butler with so much held back. He took a few steps forward, years of working on a stage had left him with the ability to tread lightly. He knelt beside her, he knew he'd struggle to get back up at his age but he needed to be at her head height.  
He took the telegram from her hand and read it fully this time, those words, those words which would have no doubt broken her heart entirely. They made him sad just looking at them, but the effect on her was so much more extreme;

_Mrs Hughes,  
Upon investigation of the deceased bodies found from the Titanic, we have identified 4 of them to be your sister Eleanor, her husband George and children; James and Harvey.  
Your niece Lily is still unaccounted for – you will be further contacted._

He read the words over and over, there was no emotion in them at all, no sense of sympathy in them, simply facts – your sister and family are dead. The little of her past he knew, he knew that her sister was the only family she had left, as if she didn't already feel alone. He prayed Lily was alive and safe, it would be a glimmer of hope that she could cling to for a while.  
As he looked up from the paper, his gaze was met by a pair of once sparkling blue eyes now overcome with grey and red rimmed from the tears that now stained her face.

He couldn't help but just stare at her, she needed comfort, she needed his arms around her but it wasn't right, he shouldn't overstep the boundaries like this, no matter how sad she was. Her eyes almost begged him to hold her but she wasn't in the right frame of mind and he could hardly take advantage of her in such a way. A lump formed in his throat, if he continued to look into her eyes no doubt he would cry and that would be completely inappropriate. The voices in his head shouted different things, everything was contradicted, he was usually very sure of what he was doing but when it came to her he was lost and unsure what was right.

She was his housekeeper, his colleague, his confidant, at best his close friend – but _he_ was completely in love with her.

**You'll hate me I know but the next chapter will be up soon, don't worry.  
Please review, I was so happy at the response I got from the first chapter.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry I keep ending it and making you all upset :p  
And sorry for taking longer to write this – your reviews are all so lovely there was _a lot_ of pressure in writing this chapter. **

He couldn't help but just stare at her, she needed comfort, she needed his arms around her but it wasn't right, he shouldn't overstep the boundaries like this, no matter how sad she was. Her eyes almost begged him to hold her but she wasn't in the right frame of mind and he could hardly take advantage of her in such a way. A lump formed in his throat, if he continued to look into her eyes no doubt he would cry and that would be completely inappropriate. The voices in his head shouted different things, everything was contradicted, he was usually very sure of what he was doing but when it came to her he was lost and unsure what was right.

She was his housekeeper, his colleague, his confidant, at best his close friend – but _he_ was completely in love with her.

New tears had formed in her eyes just watching him sit there, he hadn't moved and was yet to make an effort to comfort her, which was making her worse, even for her he wouldn't change, everything had to be done properly with him and clearly she meant nothing if he couldn't bend his rules to help her.  
She looked back down at her knees as she began to cry again. He saw this and the penny dropped in his mind; she'd stopped crying when she knew he was there but when he made no effort to comfort her she became upset again- she needed it and no more would the rules would stop him from giving her what she needed.

He shuffled forward slightly, sliding his left arm around her waist and his right over her shoulders – her tiny frame fitted perfectly in his arms. As soon as his hand had made contact with her waist he knew it was wrong, if someone came in now it would be considered compromising, but she needed it, she needed protection from all the pain that had overcome her – now he would be Charles, the friend she needed, they were anyone in the world but the butler and housekeeper now.  
She moved her knees to rest on his, her arm possessively round his waist and her head buried in his chest; her crying was softer and her breathing had improved – 'all just by holding her' he thought.

He took another little risk by leaning his forehead on her soft hair, the finest silks in the world were no match to the feeling of it against his head. As she moved he was engulfed in the lavender scent he knew so well, though never had he been this close to inhale so much. He wanted nothing more than to just nuzzle her hair, stroke her face, maybe even kiss her, just to let her know that everything was alright and he'd be here for her. But it was too far, overstepping the boundaries in a way that couldn't be reversed, that was exceeding friendship and taking things too far.

She hadn't yet spoken, he wouldn't force her to, he'd just wait till she'd stop crying and if she wanted to talk he would listen. He allowed her to cry into his jacket, for her to cling to him as if he'd disappear, whenever she tightened her grip he would do so too – he wouldn't leave, he'd be here for her.  
He closed his eyes, treasuring the feeling of her here, he knew it'd never happen again – in a way he was glad, he'd never want to see her like this again, but he would give anything for an excuse to hold her.  
His eyes opened again when he felt her head move from his, he panicked wondering if she wanted him to let go but she simply moved it to rest in the crook of his neck and sighed. He hadn't even noticed she'd stopped crying but neither of them seemed to be in any hurry to move from their current position. His head lulled to one side to rest on hers, took a deep breath and shifted towards her, he'd never expected how "right" it felt to have her in his arms, almost as if she'd been made to be there. It was still wrong though, even with her being upset, the voice in the back of his mind shouted at him to let go of her, he could still comfort her whilst sitting opposite her in the armchairs next to them, but he couldn't help it, he _wanted _to hold her, he wanted to help her in the best way he could, not just sit across the room from her – she needed this, therefore propriety was entirely out of the window.

He was unsure whether he should speak, he had plenty of work to do as did she but he didn't want to leave her here, alone, she would likely dwell on it and get back into the state she'd been in before. Not to mention she was likely to feel embarrased, always careful with her emotions and never letting the staff see her mask slip, they'd partially witnessed that from breakfast but he'd seen the full effect and he knew she would be angry at herself for acting like this no matter how hard he convinced her she shouldn't. So many things would be going through her mind, the last thing she needed was to get upset at the spectacle she'd made of herself - because she hadn't made one. He was often scared by how unemotional she would be, then again she'd never had something that catastrophic affect her till now. She was always good at listening to other people, helping them when they were sad but she never showed any intense emotion, almost as if she was embarrased about it, or thought she wasn't allowed to be emotional in order to retain authority amongst the staff. She was stubborn too and not often convinced that her opinion might be wrong, even by him, so as soon as she got it into her head that she'd made a spectacle of herself, she'd become distant with him and stricter with the staff. It was her way of covering embarrassment, he knew it well enough by now, but all the emotion she stored up was now pouring out and he was going to ease her burden as much as he possibly could.

Getting over the boundary in order to hold her had sparked something in him, a glimmer of hope that said she might want the contact as much as he did – upset or not. 'No' surely it would be too ludicrous to even think she might return any of his feelings, she wanted the contact for comfort not pleasure, it would be dangerous should he convince himself she returned his feelings, it could result in the end of their friendship and right now they certainly didn't need that.  
Her heavy breathing was the only thing her could hear, the noise of the kitchen staff outside drowned out – all he could comprehend was the woman he'd always been parted from, was now in his arms and clearly content to be there. He dared to take another risk and brought his hand up from her arm to rest on her shoulder while his thumb stroked her cheek. He could feel where the tears had fallen and wiped away their tracks, he felt her smile against his hand and he moved his head downward so his forehead rested against hers, accidently sighing in happiness. Worried he might have given away his feelings he returned his hand to her shoulder but she took it and held it over her heart so he could feel the rise and fall of her chest.

"Charles?" He jumped, he'd been lost in the feeling of her breathing and he hadn't expected her to speak. She spoke somewhat shakily but the gentleness of her voice was enough to distract him so his throat went dry and no words came out of his mouth.

"Yes?" He managed.

She leant forward to kiss the hand she held and whispered, "Thank You."

**Do you want me to continue? Thank you for all your reviews so far, please keep them coming XD  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**I literally have no idea how to continue :p You've put a lot of pressure on me with all your amazingly kind reviews, I blame themaidsdiaries entirely :p love you really though.**

**Dedicated to MakeYorkshireTeaNotWar – I love you very much and I'm sorry I don't believe you when you say my writing is good, I don't know how you put up with me xXx**

They sat on the floor tightly bound together as if nothing else existed and nothing could separate them. She belonged in his arms; no one had ever felt this perfect to him before, she was devastated and would never normally let anyone get this close to her but it was perfect, she was perfect and so close now, it wouldn't take much to lean down and kiss her but she wasn't facing him, the realisation that she wasn't his – she leant on him but faced away, there but not his.

He still revelled at the fact she'd kissed his hands, it may have only been his hands but to feel her lips on his skin sent his mind spinning off to a world where propriety didn't matte, where they could just be Charles and Elsie with anyone frowning down upon them. But of course, this was just her needin comfort, not a declaration of her love. He wanted to ask her, know how she felt about him, but of course he couldn't ask, her mind was swimming with despair and sadness for her family and panic for her niece. This would hardly be an appropriate time to ask her if she'd ever felt anything more than friendship for him as he had for her, it wasn't right, in so many ways, he couldn't very well confess his feelings for the housekeeper as he was sure she didn't return them, things would then be torturously awkward and she'd be left alone, no one to comfort her, no one to hold her as she cried, she could become ill and he never wanted to lose her. So for now he would just hold her tight, so she knew she was protected and always would be by him.

She'd laid their conjoined hands on her heart; he couldn't help but notice she held on tighter than she had been previously, almost as if she was scared he would leave her, like she needed him there. But of course, she needed him there for comfort, not for anything else, she would revert back to being friends when she'd calmed down and they'd likely never end up like this again.  
He sighed but misjudged how tightly she was held against him. She lolled her head back to rest against his shoulder, surprising him as he was suddenly engulfed in the lavender scent of her hair again.

"I'm sorry" she said softly, the gentle nature of her voice caressing his mind into insanity as he revelled in her accent.

"Don't be" he whispered, moving his head down, away from the urge to nuzzle her soft hair with his nose. She wasn't so easily convinced, she turned her head to face him hoping holding his gaze would make him admit his troubles but she found his face much closer than she'd imagined, their noses mere millimetres away from each other.

He'd been surprised enough she'd spoken let alone that she'd turned to face him, he'd wanted to move back as to not scare her but as soon as she turned, he wanted to stay, he _wanted _to be this close to her but he could see the stains on her cheeks, her eyes red raw from so much crying, her breathing shaky – she wasn't back to her usual state, he couldn't take advantage of her. He desperately tried to push that to the front of his mind, he mustn't take advantage of her, he could call it love all he wanted, but she tempted him far too much and eight years of longing had only heightened his desire for her. Now, with her so close, he couldn't be sure he could stop himself, especially as she wouldn't be putting up a fight.  
He could feel her breath on his lips, he could feel every tiny movement of her body, she was so close to him, every part of her rested on part of him, they were merged into one another the way he'd always dreamed but it wasn't proper, she wasn't there through love, she simply needed comfort, he couldn't overstep the boundary any more than he already had, he couldn't do it to her, it'd only hurt her and their friendship and those were two things he couldn't stand to see hurt.  
Her hair was tickling his forehead, she was already too close for him to even notice if she leaned even further to him. Her scent was intoxicating, he should have moved away but she held him there, everything about her just held him where he was; freezing him in the moment with the woman he so adored moving slowly closer to him.

He couldn't, he mustn't take advantage of her and he mustn't let her take over his mind like this, she wasn't thinking properly, all he was to her was a source of comfort, she clung to him because she needed the contact not because she needed his love. He closed his eyes needing to concentrate on anything else, he just couldn't take advantage of his best friend and most trusted colleague… And there it was, Mr Carson was returning, he'd been Charles for a short time but the Butler was returning now, the man who frowned on relationships between staff, the man who'd always put work before love and was now paying for his mistake. He valued his job and knew she did too, so for that matter he needed to stay Mr Carson and leave Charles ever further behind him in the past. He needed to stay a friend and stop loving her, for both their sakes, there was no use if she didn't return his feelings, it would only hurt him and the need he felt for her as she sat so close meant it would only hurt her. He couldn't hurt her; he had to stop this silly nonsense he frowned upon;

So when her lips gently grazed his, he knew pulling away instantly was the right thing.

**Yeah I'm in a mood for making you all wait a little longer for any sort of resolvement between them :p**

**Busy busy at the moment, but I might be persuaded to update quickly if I receive some of your loving reviews :p **


	5. Chapter 5

**Ok so you managed to persuade me to update this :p though I will blame you if I fail my exam on Monday ;)**

So when her lips gently grazed his, he knew pulling away instantly was the right thing.

He sat staring at her, wearing a dumbstruck look while her eyes darted around the room, wide and fearful. He knew she wouldn't have likely had any romance in her life since long before she became housekeeper, to have gone that length of time without any form of love, feeling alone and unable to express emotion to others, would surely keep her longing for the contact. After so much sorrow in one morning she wouldn't be in a state of being able to control any of her emotions, especially when it came to wanting comfort and love.

Her look broke his heart further, she looked utterly devastated, as if crying uncontrollably wouldn't be enough to express her sadness. She looked down in mortification breathing far too fast for him to consider healthy and her lip began to tremble. Once he'd regained his senses he noticed a chill run through his body, he hadn't noticed she'd removed her arms from around him and had her hands clasped together, nails digging into her knuckles.

He couldn't believe what his mind had made him do, the woman he loved so much had tried to kiss him and he'd moved away, pushing her away, a silent reminder of their positions and an insult towards her that he would always put his job before comforting her, even before his own feelings. But yet he knew, had he kissed her and found she'd only wanted to comfort and felt nothing but friendship towards him, he would be left with the biggest hole in his heart. A hole that could never be fixed while they still worked together and would likely still hurt long after they'd parted.

He was stuck, unable to decide what on earth to do, something as simple as a kiss had destroyed his ability to comprehend what was right. He couldn't look into her eyes, already damaged by her grief, now full of humiliation for her forwardness, no remote sign of happiness left in them. The person she relied on most for comfort and support had just pushed her away, she couldn't tell what he must think of her now?

He heard her sniff, his head shot up, curls had fallen loose and hung over her forehead but he spotted the unmistakable tears glistening over her cheeks. 'No', he wouldn't let her cry again especially not now he was the reason, she'd been calming down and he'd just made her all the more worse.

He reached out to take her hand, to try and explain what he did but she pulled back as if his touch was burning hot.

"Elsie…"

"No Mr Carson…please…just leave."

**Haha, you wanted a fast update, you didn't tell me I had to sort everything out between them :p Please review though, this is really getting hard to write (that's why this is so short, not because I want to annoy you. )**


	6. Chapter 6

**I ended the last chapter there because I thought it made a good ending for a chapter and I knew it would annoy you to keep ending of heart-break :p Haha, evil moment ;) **

He reached out to take her hand, to try and explain what he did but she pulled back as if his touch was burning hot.

"Elsie…"

"No Mr Carson…please…just leave."

And there it was, Mr Carson. She'd called him Charles earlier when she thought he cared about her but now he'd humiliated her, she reverted back to their formality and wished him to leave.  
Her eyes flicked towards the door, she wouldn't repeat what she said, her gaze returned to her lap, silently waiting.  
Once again he felt frozen to the spot, he couldn't let her push him away, he couldn't leave, for both their sakes, she would be alone and he would be heart broken. He saw her purse her lips, a sign she was becoming angry, but he could handle it, she'd taken anger and frustration out on him before, he could take it when her outburst ended up upon him, but what he couldn't bear was the thought of her alone with no one to care for her because she had someone to care for her, she just didn't know just how much.

"Please" she hissed through gritted teeth. Gazing to the side, as she let a couple more tears escape her eyes.

"No" he whispered firmly.

She looked up, glaring at him through her hair but looking down quickly.

"Please" this time she was begging, he never thought he would hear her beg, she was a strong willed women who always had authority, and she was now begging him to leave her.

"No, I won't leave you" he shifted onto his knees so he was slightly higher than her, looking straight down at her eyes.

"No please, just go" her voice was becoming more and more quiet but said firmly each time.

"Elsie! I'm not leaving you"

"You need to"

"Well I'm not going to!"

"Please Mr Carson, just leave me!"

"I know why you want me to leave but I won't go." He expected her to reply immediately again but she didn't, she'd fallen silent, he supposed reminding her of what she'd done was not actually a good move.  
Her hands had moved to cling onto her arms, once again trying to make herself as small as she could. He leant forward a tightly gripped her hands and pulled them down to rest on her lap, he could feel them gently shaking underneath his.

"Elsie." He paused, waiting for her to look at him. After he hadn't continued she knew he was waiting for her to acknowledge that she was listening. She glanced up through her glistening eyes.

"I'm not leaving" he stated, hoping the more times a reassured her, the more she would calm down.

"Why?" she asked shakily, her voice barely audible, most of her body shaking.

"Because…" I love you was going to be the way he finished that sentence, but why couldn't he say it, she'd just kissed him, was very embarrassed at the presumption he didn't want her advance and now wanted him to leave. Surely that meant she hadn't just wanted it as a source of comfort?  
No, he was imagining that because he wanted that to be the reason. Of course in his mind he would love to think she returned his feelings but it was impossible, why, he couldn't tell you, but to him it would be impossible.

"Why?" she repeated, holding her breath in anticipation, he had a reason he just wasn't telling her for whatever reason.

All words had caught in his throat, he had no idea how he was supposed to answer her in a way that wasn't purely the truth, he didn't want to lie to her but she'd had enough life changing news without needing his confession as well.

"Because…I want to help you" Not a bad choice of words he thought, though she could take it as he thought she was feeble and unable to help herself, which at the present moment may have been true but stubborn as she was, she wouldn't accept that.

"That's why you're here?" her voice seemed to hold so much anticipation, or was he imagining all of this? She sounded as if she knew what he had been going to say and was now waiting for him to say it. Or he was imagining it.  
The voices in his head were shouting many things at him, some saying she clearly wanted him to stay with her, some saying she knew she'd overstepped the line and needed him to leave for her sake.  
One voice constantly reminding him that she was his colleague and friend, nothing more and he needed to remember and respect that in her time of need.

But one voice, the voice he kept hearing above the rest, told him she hadn't kissed him out of comfort and needed him to reassure her that he hadn't pulled back because he didn't want to kiss her.  
He very much wanted to kiss her, he wanted to feel her lips again or else the brief memory would torture him through the early hours of the morning.

"Not just that"

They both knew they were avoiding making the first move to admit something, gently coaxing it out of the other, though neither of them knew where on earth they stood anymore.

"What then? Charles." He closed his eyes, a smile drifting over his lips, that accent, the way she said his name, it warmed his heart, gradually pulling the pieces back together.

"I want to comfort you, make sure you're ok" he could feel his voice cracking from the long periods of silence combined with his forced confession that he knew would only hurt them both.

"Think I'm a long way from ok" she smiled so sadly and looked back down at the floor.

"I wanted to let you know I'm here for you" now he was admitting things without her having to ask him, how far would he go, would he be able to control himself before he said something he couldn't take back.

"I know you are," she squeezed his hands.

He noticed they'd unknowingly become much closer again, her knees were still just on top of his, her head close enough for the lavender to drift over.

"I'm _always _here" he dared to look at her again, as she did the same, her eyes appeared to be returning to their normal colour, the evidence of her tears was still clear though a dim sparkle was visible, but it was her eyes, just her eyes at such close proximity, the deep blue he never dared to be this close to.

"I wouldn't want you anywhere else" she managed, only just managing to speak through her short breaths.

"I'd never want to be anywhere else" but he'd cracked, he felt his own tears begin to fall down his cheeks, all the voices, all the emotions, he couldn't make sense of it, he loved her so much.

Upon seeing his own tears, it shocked her enough to cause her own once again, she hadn't thought she had any left in her but her best friend, so sad by the sight of her in this state, it scared her.

They looked at each other, both in tears, both so unhappy, breathing fast, unsure where to go from there.

He leant forward and his lips captured hers, their tears meeting one another on their cheeks, he pulled her close, closer than she'd been when he was just holding her, as close as he could get her. Her arms were tightly around his neck while his were around her waist and on her shoulder, entwining his fingers in her hair.  
They broke apart and she sat curled up on his lap, his arms so tightly around her as he let his tears, now of happiness, fall into her hair while she held his hand over her heart, the heart that now belonged to him.

**There you go, he got over it ;) This made me cry to write so part of me hopes it made you cry to read (in the nicest possible way.)**

**Epilogue next or another chapter first?**

I love you all for your reviews, they really do help me, so please tell me what you think.  
Just got to go and concentrate on some last minute work for tomorrows exam, eeep. Wish me luck ;)


	7. Chapter 7

**It was demanded by Kassie and Caitlin to write another one before the epilogue so I'm not entirely sure why I've been writing the epilogue first o.O crazy girl.**

**I don't really like this chapter but you be the judge :)**

They broke apart and she sat curled up on his lap, his arms so tightly around her as he let his tears, now of happiness, fall into her hair while she held his hand over her heart, the heart that now belonged to him.

He didn't want it to end, all reasonable thought had escaped his mind, he was just left with never ending love swirling around his mind, infiltrating every part of his brain until he could not comprehend anything but the wonderful woman wrapped in his arms.  
He allowed his tears of joy to freely fall into her hair, he would usually never cry, not since he was a lad but she'd shed so many tears and showed him the woman inside, who was he to keep himself as buttoned up when she clearly wanted him to open up to her.

He watched curiously as a tear drop landed on a curl of hair, like a rain drop on a leaf, it slowly rolled down the curl, flicking off end and landing gracefully on the next curl. So many things about her fascinated him he could watch her all day.

They hadn't said anything but he was certain they were of the same mind – they were both each other's, a promise sealed with a kiss.

He couldn't tell how long they were sat on the floor, it could have been hours for all he knew or cared about. There was work for them both to be doing but she was still not in a state to be seen by others, and know he promised himself to her, he wasn't in the mood to leave her.

She shifted slightly in his lap to look up at him, her cheeks glittering from the many tears she'd shed, but her face no longer distraught with grief, now she held an expression of sheer happiness despite her red rimmed eyes and occasional sniffs.

Leaning up, she kissed the corner of his mouth and rested her forehead against his temple listening to his breathing;

"Charles?" Her voice was soft but not as quiet and shaky as it had been.

"Yes"

"Why do you want to help me, and comfort me?"

He paused before he answered, she was still fragile, as close as they'd just become, he didn't want to overwhelm her as he surely would – nine years of untold love, would surely come as a shock.

"Because you're important, to the house and, to me."

"To you?"

"Yes, very, very much." He stroked his nose against hers and tightened his grip around her.

That seemed to satisfy her until she looked up, causing him to look down at her so her eyes looked directly into his and asked; "How much?"

He decided to take his chances, she'd never have allowed him to hold and kiss her if she only felt friendship for him surely, and if she did he was about to find out.

"Enough for me to want to hold you for as long as you need me to, and hopefully longer."

She smiled and laughed silently, "You can hold me as long as you want."

"As much as I want you forever, we may have to work once in a while."

"You want me forever?"

He tensed as he realised he'd forgotten to add that he wanted to hold her.

"Yes, Elsie I do."

"How long?"

The servants joked that the two of them were able to read each other perfectly and he realised they were right because she said few words and he understood everything she was asking.

"Years, so many years"

"You never said."

"I couldn't"

"It's not right?"

"No, not in our positions."

"Does it matter?"

If she was agreeing to what he thought she was he was certainly glad the way these events had turned out, such sorrow could turn to joy when you were in the arms of the one that means everything to you.

"Not if you don't want it to."

"You said you wanted me…"

"I do."

"Would you believe me if I said I wanted you" she whispered as she got closer and closer to her confession.

"If you meant it."

"I do."

His breath caught in his throat as he heard her words, they weren't explicit but he knew their meaning, their value.

"I'll always be here for you, I said forever, and I meant it.

"As did I."

Her hand slid from his shoulder up to his cheek, she marvelled at the softness of his aging complexion. Her fingertips danced lightly at his temples, stroking the soft hair that was so carefully kept in place behind his ears. She cursed herself for making such a spectacle of herself with all her tears but deep down it simply felt right, she couldn't place the feeling apart from describing it as a gaping hole in her chest and all she could think of doing was cry.

He felt her hand caress his cheek and gazed down to find her perfect eyes staring back at him, they were no longer red rimmed and had returned to their sparkling blue he was used to.  
He felt her guide his face down and her lips rise to meet his, her kisses were gentle with a hint of uncertainty, having only just come to know the others feelings and after such a devastating event, he didn't want her to be overwhelmed and would let her take things at her pace.

She allowed her lips to mould against his, her left hand clutching his between them, she longed to deepen their kiss but for now they felt perfect, just as they were. She shifted forward until every part of her body was against his and his arms tightened around her.

She pulled away but kept their faces mere millimetres from each other before whispering the words she'd longed to say and he'd longed to hear.

"Charles, I love you."

**Please review I've struggled so much with this chapter and this whole story to be honest.**


	8. Epilogue

**Ok so here's the final chapter :) Thank you so much for sticking with this story and for so many kind reviews, they mean so much to me, now I can cross this off my list and finish updating the others, and I have many more ideas for new stories and I'm too close to writing them so I need to finish my others first.  
I haven't even finished his chapter yet and I already know I don't like it, all the pressure you put on me :p ahh well, I hope you all like it anyway.**

He carefully entered her sitting room to find her checking the back of her hair _again. _She'd been furiously checking her appearance all morning, picking imaginary dust off her dress, placing unruly strands of hair back and straightening any creases that threatened to make her less than immaculate.  
She caught his eye rolling in the mirror and turned to him.

"You don't need to do that, you look beautiful."

She blushed at his words and appeared to be frustrated at how this coloured her cheeks. She laid her palm over them in an attempt to cool off, taking a deep breath.

"Tell me."

She laughed silently and closed her eyes. He knew she was nervous, he knew why but he'd always want her to tell him. Walking closer he took her hand willing her to look at him.

"Please…"

Sighing, she placed her free hand over his and smiled weakly at him.

"It's just, I haven't seen Lily since she was nine, and she's now what? Fifteen? I don't know how to talk to her, comfort her, bring her up, anything! Charles she's _still _a child and she has no parents, she's probably so traumatised and, I can't pretend this hasn't upset me too and I'll need to be strong for _her, _I just don't know how to help her."

He didn't answer straight away but sat down on the settee pulling her to sit next to him, bringing her into his arms.  
She relaxed instantly and took a few deep breaths.

"You don't have to know; as soon as you see her you'll realise what to do, I'm sure she's just as scared as you are." He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and laid his cheek on her hair. "She'll understand, she may be still a child but I'm sure she's mature, and I'll be here to help, to help both of you."

Tears pricked her eyes at his loving words, she could never believe how lucky she was to have Charles, she'd always been a strong woman but found having a stronger man to protect her in her weaker moments was a god sent. They would have both preferred a more romantic way to have confirmed their feelings but it brought them together so they never looked back.

"Do you think we should tell her, about us?"

"Maybe, it might be for the best."

"She'd know then that she could come to you, that'd you'd help her as well."

"And I will do that, I promise, the girl will never be alone."

He reluctantly let her go as they heard a knock at the door; Anna's face peered round informing them of an arrival at the back door.

Elsie let out a slow breath and rose from the settee, before they left Charles squeezed her hand laying a soft kiss on her cheek, "everything will be fine."

He let her leave her sitting room first, following her into this brave new world with their new found family.

**Can't believe how long it's taken me to finish it, that's what happens when you write one good chapter and everyone wants more, I swear this is another one that just gets worse as it goes through – hope the ending wasn't too disappointing :L**

**Please please review, I've been so ecstatic by all your reviews so far!**

**xXx**


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